Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
