Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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