There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
