can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
