I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
