No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
