Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
