I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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