why didn't you poke me back
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
