I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
