Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
