I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
