I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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