I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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