Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
