I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
no, he came in my armpit
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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