im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize