so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize