just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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