Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
