We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
