Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
