Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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