My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
