i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I need to sanitize my soul.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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