We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
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