You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
