News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
