I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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