I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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