this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize