To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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