i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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