I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
