he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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