Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He shit in the fireplace
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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