just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
