I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
