you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
