Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
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