First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
