Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
tell me about the eggs
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
