The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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