Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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