I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
