she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Semen is not good for contacts.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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