I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
