Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize