If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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