i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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