If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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