It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
