Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
