birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
