sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
