Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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