It's Friday. Sex?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
