The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
