Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
