Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
