I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
