I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
