I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize