if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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